He still doesn't get it
by Akatsuki-Branch
Summary: Sasuke returns to the village after five years of being rouge. He is forced by the hokage to go to therapy to make sure he is mentally stable. What will he do when he discovers that konaha's number one knuckle head ninja is as oblivious as ever? NaruSasu
1. Day 1

….. Day 1.

I'm not allowed to quit.

Fine.

They made me see a therapist.

….

He told me to introduce myself.

What the hell. Why not? I'll humor the guy.

My name is Sasuke. Sasuke Uchiha. My clan was killed by my brother on orders from the advisers of the Hokage. I've been obsessed with vengeance most of my life, first with my brother Itachi, and then the advisers from Konoha. I returned, five years after I left.

Things are pretty much the same here. Village full of pipe dreams and ignorant morons who walk around thinking the world's a shining, happy place where nothing bad could possibly happen to them. It can happen to others, but oh, not them, they're so high and mighty, make good choices and live right, because it's all about the decisions you make, tragedies happen because people make bad decisions, but no, they could never make bad decisions. As long as they avoid the tragic, poor sons-of-bitches, they'll be fine.

No, I'm not bitter at all, what could possible make you think that? Ah shit. I'm starting to refer to bindings of paper as a 'you'. Damn therapy and psychoanalysis...

So what. People look at me a little weirder. Avoid me. Cross the street to the other side when I'm walking. Hide their kid's eyes. Tell their precious angels from above not to talk to the boy with all the problems. At least Kakashi's there for me, most of the time. Naruto's still a pain in the ass... and...fine. I'll admit it. He still doesn't know.


	2. Day 2

Day 2

My therapist is named Isamu. It makes me think of a horse, to be honest. I'm supposed to be trying to be honest in this thing. I see him once or twice a week, depending entirely on his schedule. If he can

'fit me in' then he does. Apparently, I need more help than he can give.

……..

And this guy's supposed to be helping me with my problems.

…

The day I got back it was quiet for all of a second. I'd just walked through the gates after a tedious legal battle which consisted of such wonderful topics as 'do not kill me on sight' on my side and 'no more

murdering advisors to the Hokage' on theirs. It was a hard thing to do, but we compromised. So I walked through the gates, got a deep breath of that clean, tree-pollinated air, and the next thing I know my

world is orange, I'm flying backward, my eye is aching like hell, my stomach just took an express ride to knotville, and my stupid heart jumped 0 to 460 in .025 seconds.

Yep, the looser himself, Naruto Uzumaki, punched me in the face.

"Good to see you too, moron." I said after hauling myself off my ass. "I didn't know you missed me so much." Actually, I was more pissed at myself for not seeing it coming than I was at seeing him. But I'd

never tell him that, I wouldn't ever live it down. My pride and ego were already wounded enough, thanks for asking.

And then the idiot up and HUGS me. A hug. Like I'm some sort of giant teddy bear missing a hell of a lot of stuffing. I turned red from embarrassment. Can you believe it? (yes, I'm well aware of my

references to this journal as 'you', I can't really call it anything else, and there's no way in Dante's seven rings of HELL that I'd ever name it.) That moron can make me…ugh. I can't even write the word. He

makes the blood flow quickly to the veins or arteries (whatever the hell they are) of my face. That reaction. So naturally I tried to shove him off…. no way would I ever admit that I was enjoying it.

Years of knowing him, and the moron's as clueless as ever.

The next thing I know after that, a flash of pink zips into the corner of my good eye, and I'm flying backwards again, dragging the baka back with me, and now BOTH my eyes are swelling shut. See why I

was in an anxious hurry to get back? People maim me to show affection! Who WOULDN'T feel that love?!

"Damn it, will you guys stop doing that?" I managed to maintain my bored, slightly haughty tone of voice, of which I'm extremely proud. Years of practicing in front of a mirror prepared me to say nearly

anything and still sound extremely indifferent. Then Sakura tackled me, while Naruto's still tangled up in my limbs, and before I know it I'm drowning in a sea of pink orange, like I'm stuck in a grapefruit

with my head sticking out of the side.

And who comes along to witness my luck with fruit colors? Kakashi-sensei of course. He walks over, holding that little book, takes one look at me with Sakura and Naruto sprawled out across me sobbing

uncontrollably onto my shirt, and doubles over laughing.

Yep.

I'd never admit it. To anyone. And if someone tries to get me to admit even thinking this I will deny it vehemently, but man…

It's good to be home.


	3. Day 3

**Hey guys, Emi here, this section before the chapter is where I actually get to type something! ...frightening I know... Well. Sadly Chi and I do not create world famous manga series' (you REALLY don't wanna see my grade in art class...) so we don't own naruto.... yet.... I kid I kid. This story is basically supposed to be 100 chapters, each of them being an entry Sasuke makes in his journal. Aka: 100 days in the life of Sasuke. Sorry that the chapters are starting out a little short, but when you're a depressed ninja whose just returned to a village you're not sure if you love or trust... you're not exactly going to want to pour you're heart out to a diary and write every depressing thought that pops into your cute little head. And yes. I do ramble. This is why Chi is the main author. So the entries will get longer as the story goes on, once Sasuke gets used to writing in the journal. After today we probably wont post until Sunday or Monday at the earliest.**

Day 3

You know, writing in this journal isn't so bad. (still not going to name it.) It's kind of relaxing a way… it's the only time of the day they leave me alone.

Yeah, I know people are trailing me. I'm on some kind of probation for Kyuubi's sake! I know everyone is watching me. I've got escorts that I know are there. And even these people are afraid of me, they're all wary. Like they all expect me to do something crazy or wonderful or insane or have a mental breakdown in the center of the street screaming up at the sky about my dead family..

Just so you know; IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Ever. Don't hold your breath for it. You'd die first.

Naruto and Sakura helped me find a place to live. In the middle of where no one ever went. My neighbors are a senile old woman and her three cats, five cockatoos, and turtle, and a flower delivery guy in his mid-thirties. And, go figure, my therapist, Isamu the horse. You see,the Uchiha compound was turned into a daycare for children with one or both parents on missions. They never thought that I'd come back…really, I love the support and faith these people have in me.

Right. I suppose they have a reason. I did leave. Lord, why did I leave? My life would be much easier if I'd simply listened in the first place. But then I wouldn't ever have been this strong, and I never would've…. Found out the truth.

Naruto and Sakura helped me move into my apartment flat. There was only about one box for each of us to carry. I didn't have much, still don't. It was sorta funny, Naruto, the moron, tripped coming up the stairs after Sakura. He fell flat on his face and slid down three flights of stairs. I called him an idiot, but inside I was laughing. I even smiled, if you can believe that.

I really wish he wouldn't do that to me. Make me smile. Every time he does… ugh. I don't know why I'm thinking this. There's no way he'd ever… even I'm not… I can't keep this up forever. I have to hide it, with my insults and careless attitude… I have to pretend that I really don't care at all. But moments like those, he just does something so…. so damn funny…. so damn….ugh…cute. (excuse me while I go throw up for actually admitting that.) and, besides, how the hell would he like me?

We finished taking the boxes up to my room, but they stayed a while. Then we all went to Ichiraku's for Ramen, and I felt normal for the first time sense I'd gotten back. Then I noticed that Ayame's hands shook as she set my Ramen down, and I remembered, I'm an outcast, to be feared. After that, we went down to the training fields, and all three of us just sat there staring at the sky as the world turned on. Them, I have no freaking idea, but me, I was enjoying the feeling of being near people I cared about, and not wanting them to die.

They didn't have to help me move. I know that. And I'm grateful for it, knowing that even after I've been a shitty friend, and a shittier person, they still care. Even though…I feel sick for thinking it, but deep down inside me, past all my layers of fake confidence and assumes arrogance, I'm still afraid they'll leave me. I'd deserve it if they did, but… I'm weak, what can I say? They're just as afraid I'm going to disappear again. They…Sakura, Kakashi, Isamu…. Naruto… might just decide that I'm not worth wasting the risk for. They might realize that I'm all an act, and that everything I do is just trying to hide what I'm feeling. Because… if they saw me as I am, I don't think they'd like me at all.

Hell. I don't like myself all that much either.


	4. Day 4

Konichiwa its Emi! And for all of the people who screamed when they read that last sentence I only have one thing to say to you: Shuddap. Oh god... you guys are in for some waterworks... this is the last chapter today, but give us a few days and we'll be back, as awesome as ever. This is the longest chapter yet, so please review and enjoy!

Day 4

It's exactly 4:02 A.M. I woke up about fifty minutes ago, and I can't get back to sleep. Isamu told me to record anything that's on my mind in here.

Well, here it goes.

I had a dream shortly after I fell asleep, surprisingly enough. I don't dream, usually. I've trained my mind not to. When I was little neighbors would complain when I woke up screaming in the dark.

So I stopped. Dreaming entirely. My sole purpose for living was killing Itachi. Not like I had anything really to dream about… maybe that one person I'm not going there. Point is, I've had few dreams in my lifetime worth remembering, but all of them have one common factor. In my dreams, everyone except me, they all…. Their eyes are all the blue of an ocean.

In my dream I woke up in my old cell in Orochimaru's layer. The rest of the place was gone, and I was sailing across the sky with the help of two giant black wings stuck to the roof of my now-flying concrete room. There was also a window, which is how I knew something was wrong.

I never had a window.

So the floor to the cell opened up to air and I fell, falling for ages. You know how they say that in a dream, if you fall you never hit ground?

Lies.

I hit the ground, and man, my head was throbbing. (At this point I'm fairly sure I rolled off my bed. My head hit a table leg or something.) For an immeasurable amount of time I laid there, on my back, staring at a sky so blue I could have sworn he it was staring back at me. I could have happily gone my entire life without ever have seeing what happened next, and happily lives three other lives without seeing it either.

I was in front of a gaudy, white-washed, authentic, real-live cathedral. Complete with stain glass windows, giant organ, high ceilings, and a priest who looked suspiciously like a bald version of Kakashi. It was my worst nightmare, and it was about to get even worse. I was in a black suit and standing up beside the priest. It was my wedding day. From hell. Before I could get out the "What the hell is happening" that was stuck somewhere between my sternum and Adam's apple, they started to play music, and Tsunade walked in throwing flower-petals at the aisles of people who stood up to face the back. Panicking, I did, knowing there was only one face I'd like to see coming out of those doors, and no way in hell would it ever be them. Problem was, as I turned, I saw Naruto next to me, in a suit, beaming like the moron he always is, his eyes closed shut, his hair catching the sun in a way that gave him a halo…

People began to 'oooooooh', and my attention was abruptly turned to my bride. Now there was seriously no way in hell my hopeful fears were right. She was radient, I suppose, as far as brides go. There was a nice glow to her skin, and the dress fit her like a glove. She got up beside me and flipped back the veil, revealing a cheery smile, deep green eyes, and an elegant array of pink hair coiled to her head.

Sakura Haruno was my bride, and the thought of it made my stomach churn so badly I thought I was going to throw up right on Naruto.

Who was still beaming, but… not at me this time. He walked over to the priest and took Sakura's hands. By this point my brain had gone on 'do not compute' mode. I didn't understand. This was my wedding, wasn't it? I tried to open my mouth to say something, but it wouldn't. I tried to run, my legs were frozen. Hell. I was frozen! Then Kakashi-priest looked over at me and, with one bright blue eye, WINKED. HE knew! I could tell! This wasn't supposed to be happening! My thoughts were all jumbling together, and all I could hear in my head was a string of 'ohgodnonononononononthiscan''.

It wasn't nearly over. I had to suffer through that entire service, and I couldn't hear a thing. My vision flashed, like a camera. I saw them. Flash. Saw Naruto laughing. Flash. Saw Sakura's blush. Flash. Saw him slide the ring onto her finger. Flash, flash, flash. "You may now kiss the bride." The only words I heard anyone say, as I fought to open my mouth, move my face, do something, ANYTHING!

….

And it was over. He'd leaned in and kissed her, right on her lips. His eyes were closed. I was having an out-of-body moment by this point. I could see myself, standing there, looking bored, like an idiot. I could see her, crying with happiness. And I could see him. See Naruto. With someone else.

After that, there was a reception. Dancing, slide show. And every picture was of the three of us, only my face, my body, me, had been cut out of it. Like I'd never been there in the first place. Everyone was laughing, but all I could see, all I could hear, was the cursed whisperings of "I do." and the even softer murmurs of, "I love you, Sakura." It was all just too much for me. I couldn't take it. By that point, I'd found my voice, and when the toasts began, I said mine, like a good third-wheel should.

"To the happy couple. May you live long together, and have great lives_." It will always be you_. "I always knew someday you'd fall for each other." _For me, there will never be anyone else. _"Even as Genin, I knew…" _I knew I was supposed to be with you. _"You two would make it." _We made it, through everything stupid I've done!_ Tears actually came to my dream-eyes. I just gritted my teeth and forced a small smile. "I'm happy for you." My voice was husky. _And I'll always fake happy._ I raised my glass, and everyone drank. "To Sakura, and Naruto, be sure to smile." _Because the last thing on Earth I ever want to see ever again, are your blue eyes crying over me. _

I woke up, and my face was wet. I'd dumped the glass of water on my face when my head hit the table. That's why my eyes were red and stinging. That's why I was having trouble breathing when I woke up. Not because of him.

I looked in the mirror, before writing this, and saw my own face looking back at me. Black hair, black eyes, black soul, black heart. Like everyone else thinks. But the face I was yearning to see wasn't there. The face I wanted, I needed to see. That stupid grin… that screwed up hair… those blue eyes… _his_ blue eyes.

The only ones I wanted to see. And the only ones I hadn't seen in my dream.


	5. Day 5

Day 5

As much as I hate to admit it, I've slowly been slipping in to some sort of a depression. I mentally flinch at almost every glare or whisper directed at me, I feel it in the hole my soul should be in, if I had one. Because everyone is convinced that I don't. It's not exactly like I care what they think about me. They can say whatever the hell they want.

But.

There's only so much a person can take, before they start to believe that everyone's right about them. Hell. Three hundred to one, right? As long as no one's on your side… well, three hundred against one. Maybe they know me better than I do, hell, I don't know.

I hate being this way. I really just do.

The rest of yesterday I avoided Sakura and Naruto, everyone, really. I just stayed inside, lights all off, pretending I wasn't there. It was a waste of a day, but sometimes you just don't know what else to do. I wanted to do that today. But around noonish Naruto came by. Knocked on the door. Knocked again. Jiggled the door handle. Pushed the door. Shouted.

"I KNOW you're there, Sasuke! Just OPEN UP will ya?! Aaaaagg C'MON!" At this point he was shoving his body against door. So, for maximizing humility, I waited a couple more minutes for him to really start throwing his weight around. Then, when he was about to smash my door again, I opened it a little, and he rammed into it and fell flat on his face.

….

I couldn't help it. The sight of a surprised Naruto, on the floor, blinking up at me with the most bewildered, confused look in his eyes… I snorted. Then snickered. Then chuckled. Then full-out laughed for the first time in way too long. I laughed so hard I fell to my knees, my sides were splitting, and I was running out of air. It hurt, but in a good way. Naruto, however, just looked at me as though I'd grown an extra head. Until, slowly, he smiled and started to laugh, too. And for a while we just laughed, clutching our sides, stopping every now and then, only to catch the other's eye and fall to pieces once more.

Why is he so blind? The idiot with his smiling blue eyes…that screwed up blonde hair… that voice, everything about him makes me so pissed off. Everything about him irritates me to no end. Everything about him makes me want to punch his stupid face. But being around him makes me calm. Being around him lets me forget about who I am. Being around him...

I, Sasuke Uchiha, am _happy_.

Eventually we both stopped laughing. By this point we were both sprawled across the floor, breathing hard. And I felt normal.

"Heh. You're such an idiot." Of course. Act indifferent. Act the cool guy. Act like I don't care.

Of course, he bristled, but then he relaxed and just grinned. That stupid, moronic grin. "Ha! Yeah, I suppose I am. But what else was I supposed to do? You were gonna shrivel up and dry out stayin' by yourself inside in the dark all the time."

I shrugged. Inside, where no one can see, I was kind of glad he cared. "I was tired. So I decided to sleep all day. No need for you to panic."

He looked a tad embarrassed and a little sheepish. "Well, I was just-, you know, I mean, uh, last time you dis-um, I was jus- eh heh…" He rubbed the back of his head like he always does, with that same goofy, stupid grin. I knew what he wanted to say.

"The last time I disappeared you didn't see me for two and a half years?" It was harder than I thought it would be to force the words out coolly, calmly, blankly. He could never know how much it ached, knowing he still couldn't trust me.

Knowing he had a good reason not to.

"Uh...yeah. Something like that." He sighed and ran a hand through that same spiky, gravity-defying hair. "Me'n Sakura, we just… well, you know how she gets. She still worries about both of us, an' I just didn't want her to worry too much about you, so I said I'd come and make sure…uh…"

"That I was still here?" "Hey, hey! Those were her words, NOT mine!" He said, defensive. It lifted my spirits slightly. So I had to continue.

"Sure. But you still think…" My voice got quiet. Easier to keep the emotion out of it that way. "I'm just gonna leave. Like everyone else. Eh, baka?"

He was silent for a lot longer than he usually was. I was nervous as hell to his response, because I was sure he was going to say… "No."……not that.

I was shocked. What's worse, I could feel it on my face. I was thinking, C'mon Sasuke, say something sarcastic, something biting, something witty, anything! "….huh?"

…that worked out wonderfully. But, I could not say something else. I tried. My mouth wouldn't work and my vocal chords didn't feel too hot anyway.

He just grinned at me, a different, softer grin. The one that always makes me feel at peace with myself, and at the same time makes me want to go dig a grave and jump in it. "I don't think that. I know you won't leave again. Because, well, um. Huh." He thought about it a little, so I pretended to look a little hurt. Just a fraction. He was my, well, the best friend I had. He had to know what some of my facial expressions meant. "You don't have to pretend, Naruto, I know everyone thinks I will."

"I don't though, and frustrating me isn't going to do much." His tone was mild, as if his mind was focused on something else. This just made me depressed. Because, used to be he'd have flipped out and spazzed at me for saying that. It forced me to realize… that we'd both changed. And that…also… I wasn't sure if I knew him anymore.

"I trust you."

He said it so simply, that it had to be true. I just stared at him, my eyes bug-wide and my mouth on the floor. It…didn't…make…sense…"Why?" I managed to get out through a throat that was suddenly closed shut and lips that were not wanting to be opened. Never mind the fact it came out as a whisper.

Naruto stood up, and looked down at me with a slow, easy grin. His hair was sticking up in twenty directions, as usual, and his eyes caught the light just so they sparked, only subtle, but... damn it, beautiful. "Because." He said, a hint of a laugh in his voice. "You're my best friend. And, well…I know how it feels when no one believes in you." And with that he just…walked out, waving behind him. "See you later, Sasuke."

If there was anything left of me to see, he surely would.


	6. Day 6

**Hey, this is the usual AN. er. EN (I'm not author so it's really just an editors note... heheh...) anyway. don't own naruto, review, enjoy.**

Day 6

Today I went to therapy. And for the first time it occurred to me: Hey, Sasuke, buddy, what if Isamu wants to READ that journal of yours?

Oh HELL no. Aint. Gonna. Happen. There is no effin' way. The only way anyone will read this is over my dead body. And if I ain't dead, well they will be shortly. I can't have people actually knowing who I am on the inside. One, they wouldn't believe it was me. Two, I don't want them to know. And I really don't need any other reason.

So I walked into the office, where Isamu was lounging in his chair. "Hello, Sasuke."

"Isamu-san." I said, slightly stiff. I sat down with my hands clenched around the journal.

"How has your week been?"

"Fine."

"Have you been writing in the journal?"

I gave a jerk of my head. He sighed and started rambling on about how important it was for me to express my inner self and not hide behind fake walls that were only put up to separate me from others and protect my insecurities inside a stone fortress surrounded by a moat and alligators and dragons and sharks and crocodiles and daisies that bite off people's head. I should try to open up more to him and others so they could see the real me and begin to accept me for who I am and not what I'm pretending to be, so that in time I will eventually be able to be myself confidently and not have to hide anymore, then I will finally be at peace with myself and my life and I can finally begin to pick up the pieces of my pathetic existence and work on rebuilding a new outlook and perspective and live the rest of my years out peacefully and blissfully.

I just blinked at him.

"Uh."

Isamu turned his horse-ish head to me. "And that is why you need to continue writing in your journal. Let me see it, please."

Hahahaahahahahahhahahah no.

"I can't do that."

"Why not?" He raised an eyebrow. "I need to read it and review your recordings for anything that could indicate a spot of happiness or a cloud of depression in your life. Then we can find these factors and surround you with the positive, and eliminate the negative factors, such as the persons or objects causing you distress, depression, stress, or wild unpredictable emotions that could interfere with your psyche in an unhealthy manner, such as extreme competition or anger."

Unhealthy, eh? An image of the number-one hyperactive knuckleheaded ninja popped into my brain. Back when he was hyperactive, when we were younger, just starting on team seven. He'd caused me plenty of stress… we were always competing, even then. With how much we could eat, how far we could train, our abilities… and he did cause me stress. Distress, depression, wild, unpredictable emotion.

Isamu had just completely described my feelings when I was around… Naruto.

I just sighed. "You can't read it. I don't care if it helps my mental balance out or whatever. This belongs to me and what I put in here is none of your damn business, got it? And 'negative factors', bullshit. I know very well what a negative factor would be, and no way in hell am I giving it up." I'm not giving up Naruto. I don't care if it heals fifty million stray cats from fleas.

"Sasuke, be reasonable. I need to read it to see your inner thoughts."

THAT made me stiffen. "I think you misunderstood me. I. Don't. Want. You. Knowing. My. Inner. Thoughts. That's why they're inner thoughts. In my head. Where people like you can't be."

"Sasuke, I'm your therapist."

"Isamu-san. With all due respect, I don't give a damn. I will see you next week, same time, and you're not going to read this journal." With that, I stood up and left, leaving Horse-san scribbling madly in a small notebook.

I just got myself a one-way ticket to hell in a handbasket.

And you know what?

I don't give a damn.


	7. Day 7

**Hey guys, Emi once again. Trivia question, what do you get when you cross an orange and a tangerine? Think about this while you read and tell me in your reviews please. No, we don't own Naruto, but we're flattered that you didn't ask.**

Day 7

(1:39 pm) I feel like complete shit. That's the best way I can possibly describe it. My insides are on fire. But not a full on, mercifully numb-painful fire, but a dull, aching, slow burning, like being roasted twelve feet over a bonfire. It's not enough to kill, just enough to leave a permanent dull ache in my chest. My mind's one big fog… I can't see clearly…I'm not thinking straight…Isamu's mad cause I didn't give him the journal. I have to see him again in five days. Sakura's worried about me, she's called me about five times in the past day and a half.

And I can't even be mad at her, or call her annoying. No, I want her to call. I want someone to care about me, anyone. God! I'm pathetic. How did I sink this far? How did I fall so low? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm sick of hurting.

Why can't everyone just leave me alone?!

(Day 7, part II.)

It's 11:28 p.m.

Warning. I'm not proud of anything I did today.

And I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I don't think I want to. Sakura called me again at the end of previous writings. It screwed up my already-frayed nerves. So I snapped at her. About an hour or two later she came over, and came inside. I didn't even care. I just stared at the wall, watching a beetle. Looking back, I must have scared her pretty badly.

I don't even remember when Sakura left, actually. The next thing I was aware of was being on the floor with a bottle of something beside me. I think it was Clorox, and the beetle was dead. I didn't want to move. My stomach growled. Didn't care. My throat was dry. Didn't care. I welcomed the sandpaper feeling, only because it was different from the ache of dull flames. I stared at the Clorox bottle and wondered how fast it'd kill me. I think Sakura gave me some pain meds… they were making me a little off. Hour or two passed, I didn't know what time it was. It had been a little over three weeks since I had moved back to the village. A week since I met Isamu. Couple years since I'd needed someone to keep me from loosing it.

I don't know how long I laid there, feeling…empty. Except for that dull ache. If only it could've gone away, I'd have been happy. Just for a chance not to feel so sick inside. I wanted to throw up, but I couldn't be bothered to waste the effort. I might have just sprawled there until I died, honestly, if the people I know didn't talk to each other about my condition. If certain people weren't dead seat on keeping me alive.

Naruto showed up around two hours ago. He'd just come from training, him and Sakura were talking about me. She mentioned how…well, catatonic I'd been acting. And on a pretty damn good instinct, he came running. The door wasn't even locked, that baka just walked right in.

He took one look at me, on the floor, not even bothering to hide how incredibly weak I was. My anti-depressants made me weak and lightheaded. Yeah. They gave me drugs. Great village, huh? But Naruto just knelt down beside me and lifted my head up, so he could see for himself the 'dead' in my eyes. All I can remember was drowning in an ocean of blue.

(DISCLAIMER: The following is the conversation we had while I was heavily under the influence of medication that screwed with my mental status. I am not to be held accountable for anything I may have said or done.)

"Sasuke? What're you…doing?" His eyebrows came together, and he was frowning ever so slightly.

I didn't answer.

"Sakura told me you were acting weird. What's going on?" He tried again. I didn't feel like responding. Nothing could possibly have made him more upset than that.

"Damn it Sasuke." He whispered, grabbing either side of my face. It wasn't gentle. His nails scraped my skin, and he had fistfuls of my hair. I was only vaguely aware of the pain at my temples. My head's throbbing now, though. "What the hell are you doing!?" My face was inches from his own. I could easily have reassured him then, I could see the worry, fear, and anger in his eyes. He was shaking, his hands trembling. I never wanted to see him like that. I never wanted to cause him that pain. And for everything I could have said, all the hurt I could have just _erased_…

I just blinked.

"You scared the shit out of Sakura!" Out of him, too. I could tell. Now, it's killing me. Then….I didn't even care. About him, Sakura, the pain I was putting both of them through. Now, it's crazy. But I could've sworn… under the drugs, I hallucinated…. There was no way his eyes really were red, no way there was water streaming from them.

All of this. So easily avoided. All of this pain I put them through… all of anything…and all I did, was blink.

"Damn it, Sasuke! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!" His hands dropped to my shoulders and shook me like I was a ragdoll. Actually, I kinda was a ragdoll. A tall, hard-muscled, black haired, eyed, soul-ed, ragdoll. "DON'T YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT LIVING?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL YOUSELF?!" He shouted, and his voice, it was desperate, like he was trying to get through to me… "DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! HUH? WELL DO YA?!"

It must have been the medication. I stared up at him as he continued to yell at me, willing something to respond, anything. And the fog my mind was in had clear in a space… and I could suddenly see my life. And I really could easily say that I could die at that moment and be happy. But… I couldn't. I couldn't die. I wouldn't….I…

"I…don't....." My tongue was thick, like syrup. My throat felt swollen. My lips were dry and cracking. My voice was slow, forced.

"WHA- what did you say?" His voice came down about twenty decibels, and it was husky, raw. Understand, he'd been yelling a solid half hour. "Sasuke, what don't you want? Please, Sasuke… tell me." His hands went from shaking me, threatening, to holding me up, supporting me. His eyes went from anger to concern, warmth evident. He cared. He needed me…to be his best friend.

"I…don't….want to die." I whispered. And at that moment, a wall of my fortress vanished. "I'm scared, Naruto. I don't know what's in my head… I can't think clear…I can't see… I don't care about anything… these depression meds… they're screwing with me… " And that's when I realized. It wasn't Naruto. It was me. I was shaking. Uncontrollably shaking.

His eyes brightened with understanding. "Drugs. You idiot." Loser stole my line in my moment of weakness. GREAT FRIEND. "Sasuke, you moron, last time they had you on drugs it was the day you came back" Three and a half weeks ago. And why was his voice so relieved? "And you fell out of a fifth floor hospital room and couldn't remember what you'd been doing there in the first place. Depression meds screw with your body and your head, idiot."

"I…don't…remember….falling….out…of…a….window…"

"That's the point. Your head was a blank. These pills screw you up." He was laughing, relieved. And he…hugged me. I think it's the medication talking, but for a second, I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. I felt like I…belonged there. And maybe….just maybe…it's still probably the medication talking, but what the hell I can scratch this out later, maybe…

he felt it, too.


	8. Day 8

Elllllllo. Yes. We updated. It would've been sooner than now but my computer is on the fritz. eheheheheheh... so, enjoy, review, and we do not own naruto.

Day 8

Yesterday must have been the worst freaking day in my life. No, second worst, the first one being the day my family was exterminated. You get what I mean. He slept over last night, on my couch. Just to make sure I didn't do something incredibly stupid like drinking arsenic at 3am. I hadn't, actually. I just jotted my insanity down in this stupid freaking journal then crashed until I woke up with a throat like sandpaper and hair that stuck straight up off my head like I'd been electrocuted or something. It took some very painful time with a hair brush, a fourth of a tube of toothpaste, a toothbrush with now-red bristles, several bleeding gums, a washcloth, soap, sunglasses, and a gallon of water to get me looking half-alive. The other half I faked.

"Morning." Naruto said when I walked into the area that served as my kitchen/living room. I nodded at him wordlessly. "You look terrible." He said cheerfully. I gave him my best 'pissed off' glare. He just laughed. "You know it's true, why deny it? You look awful Sasuke! Ha, you look like a half-drowned vampiric zombie!"

"Moron." I muttered. "You can't be a vampire and a zombie at the same time. They're two different kinds of Undead." I snorted. "Looser." Naruto faked a hurt look. "That wasn't very nice."

"I'm not a nice person."

"Yes you are."

"Nope."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Well, there's a reason you're an idiot."

He glared at me. "Hey! I'm trying to be nice to you!"

I laughed. "Baka. I don't want you to be nice to me." He raised an eyebrow and folded his arms. "Naruto....heh, you still don't get it."

"What don't I get?!" He said, getting irritated. "God Sasuke, you think you're the greatest thing sense cheese! You're not! You're a lazy self-centered arrogant cocky over confident depressed-" And he clapped his hand over his mouth. "Sakura's gonna killll me!" He wailed. "She said to treat you gentle cause you're emotionally fragile! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

I almost fell over laughing. "Naruto, the last thing I need for you to do is treat me like I'm fragile. Everyone already does that." I gave him half a small smile. "I need you to treat me like you always do. Like a normal guy. A normal, pain-in-the-ass, stuck-up arrogant me ."

Naruto looked at me with his wide, beautiful blue eyes, then gave me that huge, squinty-eyed grin. "Heh. I can defiantly do that. It doesn't take any effort to treat you like stuck up arrogant pain in the ass!" I realized that I'd insulted myself. And I didn't care.

"And it takes no effort to treat you like an idiotic looser, either, moron."

"HEY! I'll get you for that, you hear?!" He shouted, glaring at me while eating my food… I still don't know when he found it. And, well me, I just gave my small smile, and stole my food back from him.

It was just like…normal.

Afterwards, his parting phrase would bother me. Because he did indeed get me back. The evil, idiotic, pain-in-the-ass, beautiful devil got me good.

About an hour after he left than someone else knocked on my door, possibly the last person in Konoha I would have liked most to push into a hole. A very deep, dark hole.

My therapist, Isamu.

I kept the deadbolt on the door and cracked it open. "Yeah?"

"Sasu-"

I slammed the door. He knocked again. I ignored it. And he knocked again, and again, and again, and again.

"I'm not here!" I called.

"Yes you are." The door muffled his voice slightly but unfortunately I could still hear it. Damn. Note to self: get thicker door. With padlocks. Ninja-proof padlocks.

Note to self: Invent ninja-proof padlocks.

Scratch that. It'd only make my job harder.

So this guy is pounding at my door and it's just so freaking annoying. He's begging me to 'let him in so we can talk about my feelings'

….uh….

I don't DO that. It's not my style. I don't talk about my feelings to my best friend, because I have feelings FOR my best friend, and that wouldn't really work our very well, because if I told my best friend about my feelings I would no longer HAVE a best friend to tell my feelings to. (my logic is wonderful.) A couple hours, a lot of cajoling, bribing, begging, tempting, ordering, and one crowbar later, he was in my apartment and I was on the couch.

"Now." Isamu said, looking slightly miffed and lightly coated in sawdust, (my own personal touch), "What did you want to talk about?"

I blinked at him. "I didn't."

"But you asked me over here!" I blinked at him. "A boy in orange with blonde hair told me you needed to see me!"

….pretty eyes or not, Naruto is going to pay for this one. I will personally hurt him quite severely for this.

"You ran out of our last meeting, and a young lady, a Sakura Haruno, called my office yesterday and expressed deep concern for your psyche and mental health! Then this boy today told me you needed to see me and that you requested I stop by if I was able!"

Ok, BOTH of them are getting severely injured sometime in the not-so-distant future.

"Please, Sasuke, they are worried about you , they really are. You just won't let anyone try to help you. You're convinced that no one can possibly understand what torment you've gone through, and so you try to hide it and pretend that nothing matters when really, Sasuke, it does. I would like to try to help you, but I cannot do so if you are not willing to receive my help and to cooperate when I am trying to get to the bottom of your problems. Clearly, you are using the fact that the Hokage forced you to come here as an excuse to treat it like a joke, a chore, and a pain." He stood up. "Contact me when you feel willing and able to cooperate with the system and try to heal." He pushed up the rim of his glasses. "Stop trying to make me into your enemy, Sasuke. " And he walked out, calmly, collectively, leaving me feeling like a child who just received a well-deserves scolding.

How can someone I don't even like make me feel like shit? Easily, apparently. He took everything I was using as an excuse and just chopped through it with a flame-throwing chainsaw. Damn. Naruto had defiantly talked to the man. How else would he have possibly known the exact wording that would put my back against the wall and force my head up?

There was no avoiding it. I was going to half to willingly treat therapy as a serious process of healing and treat Isamu-sensei as a person to be respected and trusted.

…

Damn the whole world to hell.

I'm going to bed.


	9. Day 9

**Evening all, this is Emi. This chapter is one of my favorites so far, mostly because Isamu is my favorite... Dunno why. He just is. I love the guy. And I actually DO own him! HA. But I don't own naruto... oh well... go and R&R (Read and review)**

Day 9

Dear divine being that is involved in my life, please stop. I'm back home now. You don't need to keep screwing around with me. I'm good. I don't deserve any special treatment, why don't you go find Karin or Sugetsu or Juugo? They could use a divine touch. Not me.

Well, I don't know what more I can say. I already damned the world. I felt sorry for myself, a hell of a lot. I moped around. I took medication that screwed up my brain. I fell for my moronic, adorable, perfect, shitty, idiot of a male best friend. I was fired by my therapist. But hey, what can you do? Apparently, a lot of self reflection.

Look. I know a lot of things about myself. I know I have problems. I know I'll never be the smiling, cheerful neighbor who hands out muffin baskets on Sunday mornings. I'll never wave and call out to people in the street just to say hello, I'll never be the valiant knight-in-shining armor. It's just not me. I'll never easily smile, or laugh, or show what I think. I'll never become an open book someone could read, who doesn't have to hide their feelings. I know I do.

But I also know that one day; I want to be able to smile at people. One day, I want to laugh at someone's joke. I want to go to a bar and just hang out with some people, some friends. Hell, one day I want to HAVE friends to go to a bar with! One day, I want to have a family. I want to be the proud father of a small, hyper, skinned-kneed child who can't shut up.

I also know that if it's not… him. If I can't be with him, I won't be with anyone. I knew when we were younger that he was the only person for me. There was never anyone else but him, for me at least. And I'm fully resigned to the fact that my therapist is going to know. Because today, I went to Isamu-san, and today, I lowered a barrier of my pride and my ego to humble myself enough. I walked to his room, which if you'll remember is in my apartment complex, two floors, one hallway, and seventeen dead cockroaches away. Then, I thought better about it, and went down to his office, after ducking my escorts somewhere in the market area. Losers actually thought they could track me.

Oh, the escorts. They follow me everywhere, and everyone knows it. They're just a couple of ANBU, and I feel mildly honored that they'd waste ANBU on such a lowly sonofabich as I. Honestly, good as they are, they aren't me, and they aren't the people who stalked me out in exile. They have to follow a code of rules and regulations, not to mention the moral codes and the boredom that comes with following such a boring guy as me around all day.

After ditching my escorts, I took the back way to the office. I didn't want to be seen. In alleys, over fences, it's a relief to know that I still remember all these back passages from my childhood. I'm eighteen years old, and some would argue that I'm still in my childhood. They, however, don't know me at all.

So, one quick trip through back alleys and I'm in front of a large stucco building that fits in nicely with the cheerful surrounding hospital, orthopedic, chiropractic, pediatric, and orthodontic offices. When I walked in, they all stared at me like I'd grown a second head. I've checked sense the incident, and still no second head, so obviously they were just disturbed to see me there. Willingly. I suppose Isamu-san told them that I wasn't coming back for a long time. He didn't learn anything about me, really. If he had, he would've realized that once confronted and verbally slapped in the face, I do listen to sense. I'm not entirely unreasonable… these days.

I asked for Isamu-san. The receptionist shrank away from me, which I found odd. Considering it was a therapist's office, I was sure the receptionists would be used to seeing crazies on the verge of nervous breakdowns. Maybe it was because I looked calm that she was nervous about me. Huh. I don't know. They told me to wait for his appointment to end, then I could see him.

So I sat in those annoying plastic chairs staring at the mural of a mother and child releasing flower petals into the wind on top of a hill and listening to the most annoying type of 'soothing' music, you know the kind, all soft, instrumental, pianists who hate their music as much as the people who hear it. The kind of music that high naturalists listen to out in the open while smoking any substance they can and talking about their lives. The mural scene fit the music perfectly. They both made me want to be on top of that rolling hill, just so I could jump off of it.

After about an hour or so, I lost track of the time, they told me I could go up. So I did, and on my way I passed a woman. She looked… familiar to me, but couldn't quite name her. She was young, too young for the streak of grey in her dark hair, still in her prime. She carried a toddler in her arms, a toddler with hair possibly a shade lighter than her own, and skin a shade darker. The familiarity was astounding, but still I couldn't put a name to her face, lined far too early, with her red eyes, that shown with steel and pain. I looked at her, and for a moment she met my eyes, then hitched the child up higher on her hip, and gave a curt nod. Politely, I nodded back, still unsure of whom she was. The fact that she knew me wasn't that surprising, nearly everyone did. Even before I left, I was still the only surviving Uchiha besides Itachi, and no one particularly counted him. After I left, the village was in an uproar over me. Nearly everyone I saw knew me now, or had heard of me. I'd gotten used to it.

Before I knew it, the moment with the woman had passed, but her face stayed with me in my mind as I continued on to Isamu's office. Heaving a sigh of regret, I knocked on his door, and received an invitation to come inside. I did so, and looked resignedly at the man who was about to discover way more than he'd bargained for about me. He looked up from his notepad, where he'd been scrawling something down in handwriting only a fellow doctor could have deciphered.

He looked up, saw me, and he smiled slightly. At that moment, I knew. He'd planned this. Naruto had told him I'd react if he put my back up against the wall. So he did. And I did just as they both knew I would. Sometimes it sucks that Naruto knows me like he does. I had half a mind just to walk out of that room then. But something told me he anticipated that move as well, so I just stood there, frozen, scowling.

"Ah, hello Sasuke. I didn't expect to be hearing from you." He said calmly, adjusting the pen on his desk. "It is quite a surprise. Please, sit down." I sat down and sighed.

"Isamu-san." I closed my eyes. "I was… out of line when we last spoke. I apologize for my behavior. I understand that you're just trying to help me." The corners of my mouth twitched upward bitterly. "There are some things however I'm not ready to admit to myself, let alone a therapist. Besides. I know you tell the Hokage everything I say or do in here because you all see me as a potential time bomb, a threat. I'll willingly participate in this… therapy… if you can answer one question for me." My tone was usual, blank, calm, slightly mocking. His face, as I spoke, was neutral, considering. It was the most I'd ever said around him before that wasn't hostile.

"Please, by all means. Ask your question." Isamu's voice is deep, naturally soothing, like a man who should narrate child's films or nature documentaries. He's around six feet in height, with the long face and rectangular jaw that reminds me of a horse. His hair is entirely silver, though he can't be over thirty, and his eyes are a pale blue that on anyone else would look icy. On Isamu, they just looked calm. Everything about the man exudes calm. It's why I got so irritated with him at first. Calm people just tend to aggravate me, because I'm never calm. I appear calm, but people who actually are calm… they have my envy.

"How am I supposed to trust you," I said slowly, asking the question I'd wondered all along, "If you don't trust me?" I expected some bullshit answer about how the difference was he was an adult and I was a mere child, and how I should give respect but not expect it in return. Once again, I was wrong about Isamu. It's starting to bug me.

The man looked at me for a long while, then just shrugged. "How am I supposed to trust you if you don't trust me?" I blinked.

"You can't answer my question with a question."

"I just did."

"That's bullshit."

"Yes, it is."

"Then why the hell'd you do it?"

He slammed his hand on his desk and rose out of the chair. "Because," he said loftily, "I wanted to." I couldn't help it. I snorted. Then laughed, full out laughing, he just looked so ridiculous.

"There. We have reached an impasse, I'm afraid. I don't trust you, you don't trust me. Neither of us can fully trust the other. So, just for kicks, I say we agree to trust one another, and I won't report on your thoughts to the elders and others who wish to see you hanged. Do we have an agreement?" He held out his hand.

In life, there are unpredictable moments. There are things a person can say to make you hate them. There are things they can do to make you love them. I do not hate Isamu-san, and by no means do I love him. But I can't do what I did before, either.

So Isamu, when you read this, don't judge me. I trust you. And I'll be damned if I know why.

**Isamu's point of view-third person**

An infant sat on the floor beside a desk, blinking sleepily as it tugged on the pants leg of the man at the desk. It was late, and only the flickering light from one lamp lit the cluttered room. In one corner there was a mattress set with a small hanging baby's basket on top of it. The man at the desk had circles under his pale eyes and completely silver hair, despite his young age. He was reading out of a small notebook on the desk, hunched over it. The desk housed any such notebooks, each labeled with a name. The only other thing on the desk, aside from various pens and loose leaf papers, was a photograph of the silver-haired man, and a woman in her mid-twenties with curly brown hair, with a glow obvious even in the photo, and a slight bump in her midsection.

Both the people in the photograph were laughing, covered in flour. It wasn't a glamorous posed shot at all, but it housed a happy memory for the man.

Isamu set the journal down on his desk, his brow furrowed in thought. "One thing's for sure." He murmured to the baby mangling his pant leg. He picked up the infant and rocked it in his arms. "I've got my work cut out for me with you, Sasuke Uchiha."The infant cooed, tugging on the man's nose and demanding his full attention. "And you as well, my little one…"


	10. Day 10

**You know how some people can take one step forward and then 100 steps back? If you don't, then you will by the end of this chapter. Sigh. Don't own Naruto. Read, review. I'm off to go study for my Spanish exam. Adios! **

**~Emi~**

Day 10

So after the whole emotional crap yesterday, Isamu ended up photocopying the entries into a smaller black book that looked suspiciously like a hit list more than anything. He told me that he'd read over them and get back to me for an appointment. Hell, am I screwed. He also told me not to censor my thoughts about him or anything else, because I'd still be half-assing the job. Well, he put it more professionally than that. But my thoughts aren't censored, remember?

After leaving his office yesterday, I started to go back home. I had a lot on my mind, and quite honestly I wasn't ok. I'd just sold my ever hiding soul to some guy I barely know simply because I felt like I could trust him. It was the first time in a while that I did something based on a feeling and not logical rationalization. I was… nervous, to say the least, and even now I'm lying to myself about how afraid I actually am. Face it… he's going to know. Everything. What I think, the things I hide, what I feel, even about Naruto…

Naruto. The thought of that name sends shudders through my insides, in a way I'm still positive I dislike. His face, his voice, just him, all make me want to hide under the covers of a childhood bed, back to a time where the blankets could protect you from monsters and from the world. But, sadly, I'm eighteen years old. Far too old to hide under blankets and wish my problems away. When I saw him yesterday, I had to ignore the instinct to run like hell. I was ashamed being around him, knowing that he'd seen me at my lowest point… when I was entirely exposed. Now, I'm pretty sure… damn it, I _know_ that my protections are invisible to him. He sees completely through my entire act of cockiness and careful distain. I feel… naked around him. It's not a very good feeling, when all my life I've had these walls, all my life I've built these protections, but one man can come along and in days rip apart what took years to cultivate. Naruto… what gives him the right to make me feel this way?

Of course, I couldn't run when I saw him. Just couldn't bring myself to look at him, either. He called my name, and I pretended not to hear him. Utter bullshit, and he knew it. I couldn't face him, not after handing myself over to a therapist, not after forcing myself to realize something that had been obvious to be sense we were kids first put on Team 7. I could no longer ignore Naruto. I could no longer deny this feeling. I know now what I've always known, deep inside of me. I can't put it to words, and not even to complete thoughts. I'd never be able to voice it aloud, and I'm not about to write it down.

But this emotion's here, pulsing through my veins. I know it as well as I know my own skin. I will never feel this way for anyone but him, and I will never loose this feeling inside me. It's one thing I cannot get rid of, though believe me I've tried. I can't get rid of it. I can't get rid of him.

~Later~

Do you know that there are colors in this world we don't have words to describe? Shades of brown, white, grey, purple, green, orange, and… blue that just don't have names. And if you tried to give words to them, you'd only feel like you weren't doing the hues enough justice. There are colors we can't even see, in a whole other unreal world.

I wish I was there right now. Away from here, this place, away from restrictions and judgment and people who tell me I'm not acting like myself. Away from glares, stares, comments, and torment. Away from confinement, free to walk around, free to say what I'd like about anyone without an alarm being raised. I want to be gone. Away from this place. It's enough to remind me why I left in the beginning. Power, yes, but… freedom.

~Even Later~

How long does it take to get to know someone? Please, define for me the point in time when it goes from newly acquainted to friendship. How long do you have to talk to someone for them to get to know you? Days? Weeks? Years? A second? People say they know me, but I've never spoken to them before in my life. Do they know me because they know of me? How long does it take to decide if you like or dislike someone? Shouldn't you have to meet them first? In my experiences, no. You don't have to even meet them to know if you like or hate them. You just know.

Another question for all those skeptics, those high-minded holier-than-thou people who glare at you in the street, for a good reason, they say, but exactly what they can never quite seem to tell you. How many shots at a first impression can you have? I suppose you'd say one, wouldn't you? Well then, answer me this: How often are first impressions right?

No, you see, the real answer I need is not how often they're right. No, it's how often are they wrong?

And you can't answer either of them, can you? No? No takers? Didn't think so. You don't judge people, you say? Bullshit. You judge everyone. You judge your co-workers, you judge the woman selling baskets. You judge a child covered in dirt. You judge an old man asking for money, or the preacher at a church. You judge people passing by on the street, not knowing their names or faces or families or stories. You judge people with knives, those with beer, those walking, those running. You judge children on piggy-back, you judge teenagers with strollers. You judge men with large muscles and tattoos. You judge me.

I judge you. You, conservative-minded rich cosmopolitan. You with the soft bath towels and the fluffy lap-dogs, and hired help for your 200 acre home. I judge you, who want people like me put to death, who want the homeless out of the street because they are 'unsightly'. I condemn you, you who would beat a man as soon as fine him. I judge you who judge me.

It's not pretty. The world isn't pretty at all. Whoever said it was are sadly mistaken or writing child stories. There is war for land, there is war for money, and the people who fight aren't the ones profiting. People fight for love, they fight for lust, they fight for beer, and they fight for blood. So why bother? Cute little fantasy problems are a bunch of fairy-stories told to kids at night. I'm too old to believe in fairy tales.

For a while, I could forget. For a while, my only problem was clear. I was reminded today. Reminded of who I am. Reminded of who people judge me to be.

I'm sick of dancing around, being a good boy. My mask is coming back on.

I'm Sasuke Uchiha. It's time to remember who that is.


	11. Day 11

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Konahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Yeah. I know. That was a fail. We do not own naruto. but we do own kiku. At least Chi does. She writes this story. I write cute little notes then I post it. I feel so very important... ah well. Read on. **

Day 11

Today, I woke up, went outside, and for the first time there weren't any ANBU disguised as normal villagers to stalk me around and make sure I didn't do something stupid or dangerous like, buying groceries or something. I was a little confused, till I saw the letter outside my door. It was basically an apology note from some big-shot for being a little too "forward" and "invading my privacy". Bullshit.

Yeah, I called it. Bull. Freaking. Shit.

What? Am I supposed to roll over and be all cutsey-adorable because I got a faked letter from some freaking big-shot up in the political ladder? Look, everybody, just give it a rest. I'll say this once and for all, in writing, so if someone asks, I can show this to them as proof.

No one could stop me, if I honestly wanted to go. Does anyone think that they could keep me here against my will? If I kept trying to leave, and leave, and leave, could they afford to keep me? Besides. Do they have anyone who could stop me?

That's not the point, though, not really. I'm not planning on leaving, I just got back. Believe it or not, it isn't fun to make a pact with a village, move in, and then leave again in less than a month. It doesn't work that way, not with me.

But still, I can't shake this ominous feeling, something's bugging me. I can't figure out what…. There's trouble, I know it. I feel, I feel…- heh, what am I talking about? I don't feel. I can't feel. Feelings are a weakness. I cannot afford to be weak. Not now. Not again. Never.

~Later~

Today might just be the worst best day I've had. It was weird. I went out to just walk, I missed doing that, just walking aimlessly for no purpose, you know, wandering without worrying about death or murder or being stalked. And, walking, my mind started to wander, and I wasn't really paying much attention.

A small figure wrapped in coat, hat, and scarf slammed into my shins. It's what I get for paying attention; the universe loves to screw me over a lot. I fell backward, landing on my ass and my hands. The bundle of padding had grabbed hold of my shin and wouldn't let go, so it flailed around in the air along with my feet. Tiny brown eyes peered up at me from under a mop of black hair that stuck up at any angle it could, under the green-and-orange striped hat. I couldn't distinguish a gender, the child could've been a marshmallow for all I knew. I stood up.

The bundle hugged my shin and sat on my foot, hooking its legs around mine as well until it was clinging to my left leg like a sloth. I am not good with kids. I don't know how to deal with them, and they don't like me, their parents tell them not to. I looked around, trying to find someone, anyone, who would know this little infantile human creature or his/her parents. I tried to shake it off. It clung to my leg.

"What are you doing." I asked it finally, in a bland tone devoid of any emotion whatsoever. It didn't even have the usual questioning lit to the end, and it clearly stated 'unwanted go away'.

The kid turned its head up at me, and the scarf slid down so I could make out a rather prominent nose and a pudgy, round face. Its hat fell off, and the infant snatched it back up quickly and stuck it in its mouth. Its dark hair was pulled into two messy buns with little red bows, and I knew then. My tormentor was a roughly three-or-four-year-old girl who looked pretty damn familiar, in a way couldn't shake from my mind… I'd seen her before…

"AAAAAAAAAAUGH! KIIIIKUUUUU!" It was a shrill female voice, pressed to the point of breaking. At this, my passenger just buried her face in my shin and giggled quietly.

A very harassed woman, not my leeches' mother, came running around the corner. The lady wore her hair in a severe bun under a white kerchief, and wore a rumpled blue-and-yellow kimono. Her eyes glues to the bundle on my leg, then traveled up to my face. She was around sixty, and she screamed. The child seemed to think this was all a great joke, and just shook with laughter.

"WHAT are you DOING with KIKU?" She shouted, half-terrified. "RETURN HER TO ME!"

Yes, people, I terrify woman in kimonos who run around screaming. But children hug my legs.

I blinked. "She won't let go." It was the blandest tone I could muster.

"KIKU! Come to me at ONCE! We must be off to your lessons!"

The child stuck out her tongue and shook her head. "I think that means 'no', mistress…?"

The child said its first words to me. "Mistress Fun-sucker." It whispered, and I snorted. The child obviously didn't like her. The woman glared at the girl and mustered a dignified look.

"I am Mistress Tsua, and that little spawn in my charge, Miss Kiku, while her mother is away on a mission. Now, please, give the child to me. She has a habit of running off, the nasty little runt, she likes sticking spoons on her nose, tripping me, tossing her clothes into mud, and now, she's harassed me for the last time. Young lady, when we get back you are in DEEP trouble."

"Mistress Tsua," I said slowly, "If I could hand it over, I'd be happy to, but it doesn't want to let go."

The child nodded. "it no go." She muttered. I was starting to like it. It-she- had a nice sense of humor.

"You MUST go. You cannot stay with HIM of all people!"

"Me of all people? Why is that?" I knew the answer, I just wanted to see her reaction. She turned an odd shade of purple. It couldn't have been good for her health.

"You boy? You don't even deserve to walk these streets! You should be in jail! Prison! Working in the mines or the quarries! Good hard labor would straighten you out, if not that, then the gallows!" it was a popular viewpoint among the conservatives that I be hanged. I didn't really like it…. "Or maybe the executioner's squad!"

"NO!" The child suddenly shrieked, clutching my leg so hard it hurt. "NONONONONONONONONO! I WANT MAMMA! MAMMMAAAAAAA!" And she bagan to sob. The woman looked on the verge of busting a blood vein.

After several minutes of howling from the girl, the woman glared at me and tore at her hair. "FINE. Fine, fine, fine, I QUIT. I cannot DO this ONE MORE DAY. The Mistress will collect that little HELLION from you when she returns home from her mission, GODS help you to explain why YOU of all people are watching her little demon monster child!" And she stormed off.

Then it occurred to me.

I was stuck with a four-year-old girl.

Who wanted her mom. And who was crying. Quite loudly. And people were looking.

So right after mistress fun-sucker left, I bent down and hushed the girl. "Kid, she's gone, you don't have to go with her, so shut up already." It wasn't the kindest approach, but I wasn't trying to win babysitter of the year. It worked, though, the kid shut up.

"I don't like her. She's mean. She took Fuzzy." The child said, and I blinked at it. "I'm staying with you." She said quite firmly. I shook my head.

"You can't stay with me." She glared.

"Yes."

"No." I knew I'd have to let her, at least until I could talk to someone like Naruto or Isamu or Social Services. That lady had dumped her on me.

"YES. And that's final. You won't know I'm there! I use the potty by myself and I eat big kid food and I sleep in my own bed most of the time and I don't wet it at all and I don't go to big kid school yet but I know lots like my ABC's and my numbers and I throw a kunai reallllly good and Mamma told me about you once and she said you were misundstr-mistrunda- not treated nice at all but you didn't deserve it cause you had a boo-boo in your heart that hurt awful bad but you were really a good person you just didn't have no mommy to kiss it better for you and I'll be realllllllllllllllllllllllly nice and good and quiet and I'll stay out of your way so you're letting me stay cause I don't gots no wheres to go until Mamma gets back and she won't get back for forever a whole month even maybe she told me when she left forever ago it was a whole two weeks that mean lady said and I don't wanna go back please don't make me go back Saska-saaaaama!"

She said it all really fast, like if she got it all out I'd let her stay. I glanced at her, but she just stared at me with determination in her eyes. I grunted. "Fine."

"!" She squealed, jumping up and hugging he around the waist. People stared. "I'm Kiku-chan! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!"

So I took her home and gave her an old t-shirt of mine to sleep in. It hung past her ankles, and she immediately curled up on my bed and went to sleep after a dinner of Ramen-in-a-cup (Naruto had gone shopping for me at some point).

And now, it's finally sinking it.

I've been demoted.

~**Sasuke Uchiha, babysitter**


	12. Day 12

**Hi.**

**We**

**Do**

**Not**

**Own**

**Naruto.**

**Sorry.**

**Bye.**

**~Emi**

Day 12

It's 1:30 in the morning and the first time I've caught a break all day. I'm tired, my hair's a mess, I've got applesauce in places that applesauce really shouldn't be in. I'm sucking down a protein shake that looks like something from The Black Lagoon and doesn't taste much better because it's the only thing that I could find here.

I'm tired. I don't want to write in this journal, I want to go crash nicely on my soft, warm couch bed. Kiku took my bed. I still don't know much about her. This morning, while I was making cereal for her, (thank God that minimarts are open at 530 in the morning when 3 year old children decide that they're hungry and can't go on without some form of sugar) I asked her about her parents. The conversation went as follows.

"Hey, Kiku?"

"Yes, Sasu-san?" My name kept getting progressively shorter, and now she won't stop calling me that.

"Where are your parents?" Maybe I could foist her off on one of them. She'd mentioned her mom a lot, but never her dad.

"Mommy's on a mission, and Nii-san's on one, too."

"What about your Dad?" It was the wrong question to ask, she shrunk down in her chair, folding to less than twice her usual self.

"I…. don't have a daddy." Oh. So she was a bastard child. Way to be sensitive, moron.

"He died before I was born. He loves me though, from what Mommy says. She doesn't like to talk about him much. I was gonna be their first baby. They were gonna live and be happy together. Until one day he died. Mommy says he died for us, so that the bad guys wouldn't hurt us. Nii-san was really upset, so he got rid of the bad guys and promised Mommy he'd help with me. But sometimes they're both sent out on reallllllllly long missions that can last a whole two weeks and then I'm all alone with evil babysitters. Or once Nii-san's Daddy. That's realllllly fun. He let me stay up 'till 930 and eat cake while he snored in front of the couch. But Nii-san got mad so I don't stay there much."

She kept talking about a 'Nii-san' but what she said made no sense… "Kiku, is your Nii-san your blood brother?" She looked at me like I'd missed the most obvious thing in the world. "Nooooooooooooooooooo, Nii-san helped raise me. He's still helping. How long does it take to raise something?"

"Kiku, what's your Nii-san's name?"

"Nii-san." "His first name."

"It's long and I forgot it." I sighed. Small children. Ugh.

"What's your mommy's first name?"

"Mommy!"

"…what's your full name?" I tried again.

"Oh! That's easy. Mommy taught me that a long time ago!"

"So what is it?"

"Sarutobi. Sarutobi Kikuyo." She said proudly. The name sounded familiar… the Third's name was Sarutobi. So she was a descendent of a Hokage. Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, I was screwed.

"Oh. Well. Kiku, do you want to go for a walk?" The effect was like one on a dog. Her head jerked up and her ears flipped back.

"YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH! WALKWALKWALKWALKWALKWALKWALK!" She shouted, running around, jumping, skipping, cart-wheeling, anything as she threw on shoes and bounded out the door. I followed without even throwing away my poor half-eaten muffin. It looked so lonely when I got back, just sitting there…

It was a more reasonable hour of daylight when I took Kiku to Naruto. I figured that he might at least know who she was or who a Sarutobi was that could take her off my hands. I didn't just want to see him. That wasn't it at all.

I still can't admit it, even to myself. Grudgingly, I know it's true. I can't hide from myself the was I can hide from others. Naruto brings out the best… and the worst… in me. I hadn't thought of him in a long time, mainly because I couldn't bear to. It just hurt. I was embarrassed to see him again, after realizing that he sees through my acts and he doesn't even mention it. He sees me.

And it terrifies the hell out of me.

So we went to Naruto, me just glad for an excuse to see him... and yet wanting to turn and bolt with every step of the way. Kiku was just shrieking happily like children do, chasing all the unfortunate butterflies, birds, and squirrels that happened upon our path. Finally, we were there, and it was taking all I had not to run away.

Kiku knocked energetically on the door before I could change my mind. Naruto opened it, clearly in the process of getting ready. He was wearing those stupid orange pants and a black tank top with the weird, crystal-blue necklace he once told me was a gift from Tsunade. His hair was a mess and his eyes were still a little sleepy. It stirred me slightly… the way he always did… and I felt a rush of affectionate irritation for the blonde idiot. He blinked.

"Sasuke, oh hey! What're you doing here?" He looked down at Kiku's smiling, shining face. "With Kiku?"

Kiku looked back and forth from me to Naruto and her face split into a grin. "I gotta pee!" She announced in the unashamed ways of children. Naruto pointed her to the bathroom and she skipped off, leaving me without my last line of defense.

"It's a long story." I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose. "She adopted me and I don't know who she is. She told me about a mom and a nii-san and said her name was Sarutobi like the Third's. I can't remember any other Sarutobi."

Naruto blinked those blue eyes again. "She's Asuma's kid. Asuma and Kurenai." The names sounded familiar…. Then it hit me.

The woman at Isamu's office. The child. She'd known me, she hadn't been scared. Kurenai and Kiku. Then I remembered hearing about Asuma's death; Hidan had killed him. And Shikamaru had killed Hidan-

"So her 'Nii-san' is…?"

"Shikamaru, yep." Naruto said, his head bobbing.

"They're both on missions, she told me. She ran away from her babysitter…" And the story came out. Naruto managed to keep a straight face for all of a millisecond before he busted out laughing.

"That's TOO funny!" He howled, laughing so hard tears slid down his perfect face and he slid down to the floor because his legs gave out.

I tried to glare with hurt dignity; it lasted for about a minute; then I cracked a smile and chuckled quietly. "I guess it's kind of funny…" I admitted dryly. Then the bastard grabbed my ankle and yanked, still choked up laughing. And down I went, sprawling over and on Naruto. My face was against his stomach, my arm tangled in his leg, and my foot repeatedly kicking him in the head.

"BAKA!" I shouted, trying to detangle myself. It didn't work. I gave in. And laughed with the idiot.

Kiku came waltzing out of the bathroom and stopped, open-mouthed, at the sight of two supposedly adult men laughing on the floor looking like they'd just played a game of extreme twister and both failed horribly. Then, squealing her own laugh, she jumped on the pile, her own little wriggling bundle of hair.

It was a weird sensation, laughing with two people I cared about. The girl, Kiku, had grown on me a lot. She was the kind of person that did that to you. And I'd always cared for Naruto. But the feeling, it was almost like having a family. For a moment, the world was right. For a moment, I was happy.

For a moment, Naruto's kitchen floor…. felt like home.

He eventually agreed to help me with Kiku, because he said that Shikamaru wouldn't get back for about another two weeks and Kurenai a few days after that. As of right now, it's 1:22 AM. I'm going to my couch, and the two people I care for most are both sleeping peacefully in my bed.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

**Hey guys, I'm Chi, the person that writes this. So, yes, Kiku is Kurenai and Asuma's daughter. I've got a 50/50 chance of getting the gender right; if it turns out to be a boy, I am most apologetic. Hope you enjoyed this, sorry it took me a little longer than normal. Summer means you're supposed to have more free time, right? Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it, please review if you wanna.**


	13. Day 13

**Hey guys, as always, don't own. Review, or we won't love you anymore.**

**~Emi**

Day 13

I'm finding that with a child I have less and less time to worry about others and their petty grievances. Today someone glared at me and Kiku stuck out her tongue at them. I apologized to the man, before realizing that Naruto had also stuck his tongue out. So I just rolled my eyes.

"Way to be a good example for a child." I muttered to him as Kiku giggled madly. I've discovered that once kids decide they like you, then they do it with all their enthusiasm and energy.

"If being a 'good example' means taking crap like that daily with a polite nod or a smile, then hey, I wanna be a bad example. At least I'll be a good person." Naruto said quietly, his eyes still on the man. "They've got no right to treat you that way. Why do they get to judge you? They don't even know you." Kiku was, by this point, chasing a butterfly.

I have to admit, it was nice to hear him sticking up for me, and I was a little surprised… in a good way… that he'd think that about me. That he'd care a little about what people thought. Instead, I just sighed. "Naruto, all they want is to make me feel like shit. If I react, it gives them a greater satisfaction of knowing that they're getting to me. Baka."

"But it has to be getting to you! Even if only a little! I know I hated it when people avoid me and I haven't even done anything personally to earn it!" Then his goofy grin faded rapidly and he slapped himself on the forehead. "Uh, not that-, I mean, you haven't-, um, you didn't-, uh, you don't! Er-" He sighed in frustration.

I took pity on his flustered, mildly amusing, endearingself. "Don't worry about it. I know I've done some shitty things. But that kind of stuff... those morons… it really doesn't bother me much anymore. I'm too old for that kind of bull. If someone's got a problem with me… then I really don't give a damn."

Naruto gave me a look that was half admiring, half amused. "I'm impressed, Sasuke. I really didn't think you'd take it this well. Heheh, guess I forgot what a 'cool-guy' you always were, huh? Never showing anyone what went through your head. Man," He laughed, "I always hated that cool, arrogant jerk you were. Then when you left I missed that same cocky, arrogant, confident, popular son of a bitch." He grinned and laughed. "Man, I'm getting sentimental and I'm not even Hokage yet!"

"Naru-saaaaan!" Kiku ask-sung, skipping over. "What's a bastard?" People's heads whipped around to glare. Naruto's was funnier. He turned bright read and started panicking.

"Oh man Shikamaru's gonna kill meeee! Kurenai'll have my head on a platter for teaching her baby bad words maybe she'll cut out my eyes and feed them to an alligator! Shikamaru's gonna burry my decaying rotting body in the backyard or he'll stick me in a pit and leave me for the flesh-eating deer herds to find!" He moaned all of this quietly and quickly, his fingers rubbing his face as if he'd never have the chance to do so again.

I sighed and looked at Kiku. "Where'd you hear that?" Naruto had forgotten that he hadn't said 'bastard' in that speech. She looked up at me and pointed to the same man who'd glared earlier.

"I went to say sorry to him for being rude 'cause Sasu-san didn't seem all that happy 'bout it and I got distracteded by that pretty butter-fly and bumped his legs and I said sorry cause Mommy says you say sorry so people aren't mad any more but he got madder and looked at me all mean and called me a…a…" Her face screwed up in concentration as she tried to remember. "Sorry little excuse for a child cause no matter what I do or what anyone else does for me I'm just gonna be a plain, unwanted bastard." She frowned. "It didn't sound very nice."

Naruto looked angry and started for the man, but I put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't. He's not worth it." He shook me off and walked to the man anyway. I sighed and turned to Kiku. "A bastard is someone that, for whatever reason, doesn't have a daddy. It's a very bad word and most people are good enough not to use it. Some really mean people use it to try to make people feel bad. It's not a nice thing to say."

Her tiny face reddened. "What'd I do Sasu-san? I didn't mean to make him not happy. Am I bad?" She looked on the verge of tears. "It's not cause of me I don't have a daddy… I really want a daddy, but Mommy says I got a daddy up in heaven waiting for me." She sniffled. "I love my daddy up in the sky, but I wish I had a daddy like other kids do." A tear slid down her face. "Maybe if I had a daddy Mommy wouldn't be so sad."

Her tears struck me deep. I don't know if it's because she's so young or because in two days I've missed so much sleep I'm already going soft. But…

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't reach out and hug her. I couldn't tell her it was going to be alright, because it probably wouldn't. I couldn't lie. So I just had to stand there, helplessly, as she stifled her sobbing and wiped her nose on her sleeve. Naruto turned back at Kiku's sobs, his hesitation between helping her and going to that man barely evident as he walked back over and knelt down in front of Kiku.

"Kiku, I'm sorry. I know how it feels to want a dad… both of my parents were gone when I was littler than you are now. And you're being really brave about it. Your mom, and Shikamaru, and me and maybe even Sasuke love you. We're not a substitute for your dad, but… I remember him. And trust me," He smiled that big goofy smile that always kills me, "He's a dad you can be proud of."

Why couldn't I do that? Say the right things, find the words to make everything better. Why can he? Why can't I? I don't understand how people just know exactly what to say to make things… alright. I did the only thing left to do and went over to the man, who glared again.

"Hey. Listen." I said coldly, glaring back. "She's three. Her father died before she was born. Her mother's still in grief counseling."

"Her mother was a whore who got knocked up and never told the father, who went of and died." The man said dismissively. "And you are just low down scum of the earth that poisons the minds of those of us trying to live decently, consorting with unnatural beings and spreading your rank scent of destruction and vengeance into the rest of us." His eyes were gleaming, he wanted me to respond.

I wanted to respond. So badly. Punch him. Hurt him. But….

He wasn't worth it. Still…I was going to. Then there was a hand around my arm, attached to a Naruto. "C'mon, Sasuke. Kiku needs a nap. And I need fresh air."

"What's wrong with this air?" The man said wickedly.

"It reeks of judgment and ignorance." Naruto said, tugging on my arm. In his other arm, was Kiku, giggling.

Sometimes I hate the idiot.

Then he does something like this.

~Sasuke Uchiha; begrudging innkeeper


	14. Day 14

Day 14

I've been writing in this journal for 2 weeks now. Has it gotten easier? Yes. Yes it has. Do I like it? It's calming, I'll admit to that. Especially when I wake up before the sun to try and get some things done around this place, and that just makes me feel like a middle aged woman. Living with a three year old and Naruto isn't particularly easy. Sometimes I don't even know which one of them is worse; the toddler running around with paint on her hands and crayons sticking out of her hair or Naruto following in the exact same condition. My poor home never stood a chance. I now have seven murals hand painted, three of just hand prints, covering my bedroom and living room. There are also dolls beside my bathtub. Kids like to play with them. So we got her a couple.

Besides wanting to occasionally gnaw my ears off, or dismember a certain hyperactive blonde, it's nice, having someone else here. I've been on my own for a while. Sure, people were there, but they didn't mean anything to me. They weren't really with me, does that make sense? Ah hell, I gave up making sense around day seven, when I was deliriously loopy off of medication.

Sometimes I miss that bliss. That wonderful sensation of knowing that there's no one else in the world who relies on you, when you're totally on your own, and you're only looking out for yourself. Back when I loved being alone. Back when I was still sure of who I was.

Now it's different. Now I'm different. I don't know how to explain it… it just is. Or I just am. Something's changed. Was it me? Have I changed? Hell yes. Is it a bad change? Let's see. I feel strongly for my best friend, another guy, and I'm taking care of a bastard child because I felt pity for her, and afore mentioned bastard child and best friend are now living with me. Is this a bad change? If someone has an answer, please tell my sanity if you see it, because I'm fairly sure I lost it somewhere in the negotiations for me coming back to this hellhole of a village.

In the morning, shortly after I woke up, around the time the sun is actually up in the sky, Kiku crawled out of the bed she shares with Naruto. (If she sleeps alone she has nightmares and honestly, me cuddling a toddler to comfort her? You've been reading too many bad fanfics.) Naruto sleeps as long as he possibly can, just like always, and he lasted another half hour before I needed him to get Kiku ready. Kiku helped me with some chores, like picking up make-shift toys and dishes. She wanted help me make breakfast, although she ended up making more of a mess. This morning she knocked over a bag of flour then made 'snow-angels' on the floor, apologizing to me as she spread her arms up and down all over the mess.

Eventually, Naruto got up, and then Kiku got a bath, and turned back to her normal health tan instead of a flour-induced ghost white. Today was the first time she went off to her daycare. It starts at about ten and lasts until around three-thirty, thank the education system. I took and dropped her off, much to the surprise of almost everyone there. When I came home, Naruto was passed out asleep on the floor, looking so damn pathetic it was adorable… his hair floating around his head… flattened to one side on the ground, that idiot… with the same goofy, innocent look kids get when they sleep…

So I didn't bug him. I just grabbed a blanket and tossed it over him, so he wouldn't freeze to death and leave me the only one who could explain to Shikamaru how I ended up with Kiku. Yeah. That explanation would go over perfectly with Naruto, it was even half true. He'd take it at face value. He wouldn't ever need to know that I just wanted the excuse to help him. That he was just lying there, sprawled across my floor, in such a way that made something like my internal organs turn to writhing snakes. He didn't need to know that I cared about his health or well-being. He didn't need to know any of that.

I thought I was supposed to be trying to get over him. But instead, here, he's always with me. So then I thought, shouldn't that make me happy? Having him here? If so… then why do I feel so miserable… God, how I wish I could make him smile more. I wish it was me who made him laugh. I wish it was me he could be happy with. I wish he could just…stay.

As you can tell…living with Naruto hasn't helped me much. Now not only is he in my head constantly, he's in my home. Seeing how well he does with Kiku… it makes me want to smile, the way he holds her hand, the way they both giggle evilly, the way she follows him around like a lost little puppy, the way he lets her sneak up and jump on him, acting surprised. And I can just tell, he's going to be the perfect father some day. I just know he'll be great with his own kids. I can almost see them, a bunch of sun-haired, sky-eyed, grinning little monsters climbing over him like a jungle gym, with some girl like Sakura beaming in the background, about to pop out another one.

I've had dreams about that. Almost every night since the wedding dream, I've seen it. His life, his future life, his dreams, all coming true, without me. All of the time, like that first night, he's with Sakura. Every scenario of his life, played out, without me. I'm always in the background, watching him live out this wonderful dream life. The life he deserves. Him as an Anbu, a Jounin, a sensei to some damn lucky kids, him becoming Hokage someday. Because I believe he will. He always gets what he sets out for. Once he's Hokage, he'll get Sakura, just like he always wanted, and their little blonde copies will run all around that mansion. But then, there's me, standing out front, alone, friendless, always by myself, my previous dream come true. I used to love being alone. I used to live for lonely, when I was the only one I could trust.

But then I met Kiku. And for the first time in a long time, I remembered what it was like to be a part of a family. And now I know. I couldn't be alone. Not knowing how this feels, how it feels to be cared about, how it feels for someone to need you. How it feels to need someone there when you're alone. I know what it's like to be lonely. And I know what it's like not to be lonely.

I'd forgotten.

Those dreams terrify me so much because I know that there's no one else. I know that for me, there's only one. Only one person who I could be with. Only one person I could ever trust enough to stay with me. Only one person I've cared about since the beginning, the only person who believed in me for so long, when everyone else had given up hope. Only one person with the stupidest grin and the most annoying laugh. Only one idiot who I could never stand, who I still can't stand. Only one rival I've grown up wanting to best in competition, the best friend I've ever had.

The one person who has never given up on me. The one person who's never treated me special, or different. The one person who can see past everything I do to isolate myself, the one person who knows me for who I actually am. Only that one, loud, obnoxious bastard that's always seen the good in me, even when I was positive it didn't exist.

For me, there's only one. For me, there's only him.

I will never feel this way about anyone else.

Because it's only him.

Only Naruto.

That can make me feel this way.

**A.N**

**Hey guys, Chi here, for your chapterly dosage of disclaimers! I don't own Naruto, Misashi Kishimoto does, lucky… I do own Kiku and the inner Sasuke. At least the one I show. So, here's chapter 14, two weeks in, and yet, he still doesn't get it.**

**I want to take this time and space to thank everyone that has read this story, if you've been here sense the beginning or if you're jumping in now. Thank you all for the wonderful reviews, it makes me very happy to get the positive feedback. You guys are all amazing!**

**So, please, read (if you've made it this far I hope you've read), review, and enjoy!**

**~Chi**


	15. Day 15

**AN: Yay! We're not dead! Update time! I'm sooooo sorry this has taken FOREVER to get out. You see, I was sick for ten days, then my computer was infected with Trojans, and then it got fixed, and then I went to band camp for two weeks, and now I'm posting day 15 before I go back to school, in 2 parts. I'm working my hardest, and for someone who asked me, I don't exactly have a set time frame for when Shikamaru or Kurenai'll get back. Or maybe I do. But it's a secret. Feedback appreciated! And, now, enjoy the long-awaited Day 15, or as I call it, the Boredom of Reception Areas, and Sleep-Deprived Philosophy.**

Day 15 (Part 1)

Today I went to die.

Alright, I suppose that's a little melodramatic. I went to see Isamu. It was time. Last time I saw him, I gave him my journal, in which I've written down most of my inner thoughts that people would kill to read. Hell, if anyone ever read this thing, I don't know what I would do. Deny it? Defiantly. Refuse to acknowledge anything ever having to do with it? Probably.

This morning started out with Kiku and Naruto in the kitchen, eating cereal out of milk cartons with forks because no one remembers where I keep things. I woke up to a counter covered in Froot Loops and two giggling cereal eaters sitting on the floor, cross-legged. Naruto was making face while eating, making Kiku laugh and spill more of her make-shift breakfast onto the floor that I would eventually wind up cleaning because no one else would.

I had to actually get ready to do something out of my messed-up home today, so Naruto was left in charge of getting Kiku to and from daycare. This thought still troubles me greatly. I really dislike leaving the two of them alone, who knows what'll happen to my kitchen sink.

But I had to go out today, to see my therapist and the undisputed reason for my chaotic hell of a home life. Last time, through some sort of Naruto, work manipulation, and Naruto, I ended up letting him read this journal thing to understand me better. Why the hell would I willingly let someone understand me better? Because of Naruto.

So I walked down the streets of Konoha alone today, without the ever-present chatter of a certain toddler and blonde. People are beginning to get used to seeing me around again, I suppose, they only slightly avoid me wherever I walk. I guess it's just becoming too much trouble to actually ignore me anymore.

That really does make me feel great. Yeah. Great.

I walked into the office and the receptionist barely did a double-take. After all, I had an appointment, she had proper warning that I would be there, and she probably had anti-Uchiha ward charms up around her desk. No wonder I was having trouble actually signing in.

So here I sit. Waiting for Isamu to call my name and damn me to an eternity of 'you-were-born-that-ways' and 'don't-be-ashamed-s' and 'trust-your-feelings'.

…

It's been about an hour. Where the hell is that guy?

I've got nothing else to write about.

My life got complicated the day I left. I don't know what finally made me snap and do it. Maybe I was just easily fooled. Maybe the curse mark was beginning to take affect. But I never thought I would. My years of living with first Orochimaru, then with Hawk, were black. I never understood how a coulor could describe an emotion, or a situation.

Now I do. It was empty. I had nothing to live for but revenge. I was the avenger. Even after succeeding my goal of murdering Itachi, I had to extract vengeance on the people who caused the endless cycle of murder in the first place. By continuing the cycle of murder.

After a while I ceased to care about anything. Everyone around me could die, they'd be replaced. If it meant reaching my goal, I could kill them myself. It wasn't anything but a mild annoyance of finding someone to replace that position on my team. The world could have gone literally to hell and I wouldn't have given a damn. I could have died, and my only regret would have been if I hadn't managed to take the advisors or Madara out with me.

Even though he was on my side, I didn't give a shit about him. He was just there for me to obey, and later end up killing, anyway. I was selfish. I trusted only myself. I could kill anyone. I could kill Sakura, or Kakashi, and it wouldn't matter to me.

The only person I couldn't bring myself to kill was Naruto. Because I knew inside that if I fought him, the best outcome would be us both dying, simply because the idiot never gives up, and even if I was stronger, to kill him and the kyuubi, I'd have to die, too. Or lose.

I was too far in. I couldn't lose. I couldn't come back. They'd never accept me here. What was I even thinking, believing that things would be any different here than they had been everywhere else? I'm a stoic symbol of hatred and murder. That is what I have become.

I can't be just a guy anymore. I vent on my situation with Naruto so much because to think about anything else... anyone else… and know that I deserve every single harsh word, slap across the face, whispered rumor, harsh glare, child's cry, and even the empty space I'm given on a street. I've earned it all. Once this would have made me laugh, thinking about everyone and their stupid attempts to judge me.

But I know, deep in my core, that they have every right to judge me. This man I've become…. Me… I don't know what to think. It's not me the world sees. And I have to wonder. If who I am hates who I've been, what would the world think?

What would he think?

Day 15, part 2

I don't know how this happened, so I'll start from the beginning.

I fell asleep in my chair. When I woke up, it was late, the receptionist had shaken me awake, and told me I had to leave, and she turned back to her papers. Then Isamu walked through the doors and gave me a you-come-here jerk of his head. So I followed him, and confused the hell out of the receptionist lady. I glanced at a clock, and it was 11 at night, pretty late for office standards. I suppose some of the crazies couldn't come in at a more convenient hour.

He sat down and gestured for me to do so with a limp wave of his arm. I sat. He stared at me. I stared at him. And he sighed.

"Sasuke." One word. My name. I cannot describe what happened, when he said my name, but my unease dissolved, and I no longer resented Isamu. I am grateful for that, at least. Even if I don't even know why myself. Just hearing him say my name… it helped me more than I can ever say.

"I was…delayed." He continued, and my insightful moment was gone, a blur of the past, and even now I'm unsure of why it happened, or how it ended so quickly. "By the time I returned, you were asleep, and I did not wish to disturb you. I had other clients, and I wanted to make sure I saw them. I wanted to wait until we were alone, without anyone else in this place, where I could be sure no one would monitor our little chat tonight. I've read your entries, Sasuke."

Ah. The part I didn't want to hear about.

"It seems as though Uzumaki-kun plays an important roll in your life." His voice was blank. I wished I could cover my ears. "Keep speaking to him. He can keep you in line."

Those were the only two things he said about Naruto. And yet those two things made me ache more than anything else he'd ever said. He knew. And he wouldn't ridicule me for it. Damn him for making me grateful. Life was easier when I hated Isamu.

It was then that the night got weird.

I heard a baby cry.

…

I looked around the room.

No baby. I frowned. "Do…you hear that?"

Isamu's serene face tightened slightly. "Yes. Excuse me." He left, and after a moment, the crying stopped.

And in came Isamu, cradling a blanket-wrapped infant who was now only whimpering on occasion. I blinked. And he sat down and continued on as if nothing had interrupted.

"As for Kiku living with you, I will not explain or show any signs that I knew to her mother or Nara." I blinked again.

"Yes, I know about Kiku. There isn't much I don't know about, Sasuke. Get used to it. My patients tell me everything they see and I have a lot of patients. Back to you. It seems as though you are having an intense inner struggle with yourself."

Finally. Here was the part he'd tell me what I needed to do to be normal. He might actually help me. Psychoanalyze me or something. Give me meds. Tell me I was a hopeless cause. Tell me why I am the way I am. Something. Anything would be better that not knowing.

"I'm looking forward to seeing how it will end up."

Or that. The hell, man? "…you don't know?"

"You're fighting against yourself, Sasuke. I can't tell you how it's going to end."

"Then how are you helping me?" I kept my voice low, to try and keep the frustrated anger out of it.

"I can only help you see the sides of the battle. I can't help you win your own war."

I just nodded, and stood up. "Can I go then? My voice was flat.

Isamu just nodded, and as I turned to go, I looked back at him, and watched for a moment before walking out the door. He was bouncing the infant lightly in his arms. It was weird. Isamu is such a large man… watching him hold so fragile of a life… that life was in his hands. As I walked home…it hit me.

When we are born, we have the ultimate trust. No one gets a choice, we all have to. As newborns, we have to trust in parents, or whoever cares for us, to keep us safe because…we are totally helpless. As we get older, we lose the ability to trust completely and utterly, like a baby. As we get older, we lose the ability to reach out and trust, and know, someone's arms will be there to hold us, and take us in and love us unconditionally. We trust, blindly, in the fact someone will love us because…. when you're born… no matter how or why… you need someone to love you.

When you get older, you lose that trust. You bury it under mounds of walls and protections designed to keep yourself safe. But you don't lose that need to be loved.

Without that ultimate trust, you can never be loved completely. You can never love completely. That trust misplaced will kill you for sure, emotionally, literally, or mentally. It's why people don't give that trust away easily. If they do… they get hurt... badly. Giving someone that trust… it's like giving them yourself, to do with as they will. They can return that trust, and unconditionally give you themselves back, or they can rip you apart and tear you to shreds so easily.

And yet… if you don't trust… you can never have the love we all need.

I don't know if that made any sort of sense. It's late. I'm home, on my couch. I can hear Naruto's snores.

Naruto… he never had a mother…or a father.

Yet… he trusts harder than anyone I know.

Yes, I meant that. Trusts harder. Once that man puts his faith in you, you don't ever get rid of it.

Trust me, I know.

~Sasuke Uchiha, 2 A.M.


End file.
